What Holds Us Back?

I’m at the start of a new film project.

There have been no clips taken yet, I’m really right at the start, the development phase.

And last week, it started feeling bigger than me.

And that’s where I spiralled.

This is new territory for me. This project feels very precious and I’d love to get it out there. But the questioning internal voices started to really chip away at my confidence.

I spoke to my filmmaking mentor Amanda Bluglass last week, and she encouraged me to write down the stuff that’s holding me back. Get it all out, put them in a box, and then get back to why I want to make this in the first place, and to tell the story.

It helped. And I wanted to get them out here as it my in some way help you too. We are not alone in these thoughts!

So what are the things that hold us back? Let’s start with a big dose of imposter syndrome…

People think I’m more competent than I am, I’m going to get found out

My past successes have been down to luck

I haven’t got the best equipment, and my skills aren’t up to scratch

I can’t do this by myself, I need to build a team. How do I build a team?

I’ll wait until the time is right (and when will that be?!)

I haven’t got enough experience

Over the past few weeks, I have been through all of the above a number of times. If I waited for everything to align, I would never start. So I’m going on amber because I don’t think it will ever be green!

The gap may feel wide at the start, but it will get smaller.

I’m also trying to treat my imposter with kindness. To think about some of my past achievements, and to write them down. I wouldn’t speak to a friend like I speak to myself, I’d celebrate their successes!

I need to remember that some films have been made on mobile phones. So always to bring it back to the story. Emotional depth over equipment any day.

*Disclaimer here - I am just about to upgrade my camera, but I have taken my other one to the limits!!

I think in general that we all can place too much emphasis pondering on what other people will think of our work and that we place too many outcomes on a finished piece/project.

And that we need to take results out of the equation, and dig into the process. I think this deserves its own stand alone blog post, so I’m going to be writing about this over the next few weeks.

I’m going to document the making of this film in my newsletter which you can join here if you’d like to follow along.

If I keep bringing it back to what is at the heart of this film, and I can tell it with empathy with that sense of hope and resilience, that’s enough.

See you here again soon. Thanks for reading.

Half The Story

I don’t think I’ll ever not get excited when an email pops up from the lab to say my scans are ready. When I started shooting film again a few years ago, there’s sometimes that little added element of surprise with the first of the roll shot. The ones that are not shown in their entirety. The ones where I’ve taken the first test shot when the film wasn’t fully wound to its correct beginning position. What makes up the other section? Those colours that seep onto the image, the embers that burn onto the emulsion. Tiny fires that swallow a little part of the story.

I thought I’d share a few from the last couple of years.

And very occasionally, there’s a little surprise at the end too.

A Meadow On Film

I don’t know if your family were the same when you were growing up, but mine liked routine and found comfort in familiar places especially when it came to holidays. We’d pack the car up and drive to Loch Awe in Scotland. We’d stay in the same house, we’d meet family in the same service station for lunch (the delights of Tebay). I’ve battled many of the other routines that my parents surrounded themselves with, but I’ve realised there is one that is part of our year. An annual trip to Wild Meadow!

We first took a trip down there in 2016 for Suzi’s birthday. We’ve been back every year since, sometimes a couple of times. There’s such a pull to the place. A beautiful eco house, located in the middle of a meadow, with an orchard, kitchen garden, pond, and the best swing you ever have seen! We’ve celebrated birthdays, and had hazy days in the golden light with the sun prickling our skin. It seems strange to think we started visiting before Olive was here, but now she’s been twice, and meadow life certainly seems to suit her. The tall grass was taller than her as she walked down the paths with my Mum and Dad, learning all about the flora and fauna, taking it all in. She is now obsessed by birds of prey, as the buzzards are a very frequent sight circling high above the meadow.

As the season is turning the page, I want to hold onto these days a little while longer, and to put these photos together in as blog, to share with you, but to show Olive too. Although I took my digital camera with me, it didn’t come out of the bag, and I just took photos on my 35mm Olympus OM1 and my medium format Mamiya 645. These photos are a mixture from the two cameras.

There’s something about film that just suspends these moments more significantly, the warmth and the colours sing.

It’s always SO hard to leave. But I’m happy to say that we’ll be back there again next May. A home from home.